Love in the Digital Age

Swipe left. Swipe right. At the touch of a finger, anyone can find a date. The internet changed how people connect. Now, AI has entered the chat. It’s at once easier than ever to find a date and the rules of dating are more complicated than they’ve ever been.

During a series of panels at Santa Clara this spring, associate professor of religious studies Karen Peterson-Iyer explored the ethics of modern relationships and the reality of dating in a world increasingly reliant on tech. High levels of convenience haven’t necessarily been a net positive for many individuals attempting to swim in the dating pool, Peterson-Iyer says. Their lack of fulfillment largely stems from unsatisfying experiences caused by a discrepancy between expectation and reality.

“The more dating becomes a set of tick boxes that we just decide exactly what we want in a person and then we put it into the machine and out pops a set of possibilities, the less skilled we become at navigating our differences in real life,” Peterson-Iyer said at an event on AI, consent, and love. “I do think there’s a kind of a de-skilling that happens about even something as simple as being able to handle rejection, which is a part of life.”

This intense level of control has also removed a lot of the challenges of dating, which might seem like a boon but can cause its own set of problems. Rather than striking up a conversation to find shared hobbies or preferences, people can easily check off preferences or people they’d rather not engage with.

This streamlining has made finding like-minded people easier but also limits the possibility of meeting others who could introduce you to new interests, challenge you, or otherwise expand your world view. For Peterson-Iyer, this level of manicuring reduces chances to learn new things about oneself or experience new aspects of a relationship. Relationships are hard work requiring flexibility, which is hard to achieve via AI.

Fulfilling relationships aren’t money-makers and that’s at odds with AI and digital dating apps that are attempting to feed a bottom line, Peterson-Iyer says. Online dating apps monetize the process of trying to meet potential dates either through subscription plans or in-app features. They need people to keep using it in order to keep making money. And they won’t make money if users immediately partner up and delete their app.

“They’re not designed with your flourishing in mind,” Peterson-Iyer says. “They’re designed with their financial flourishing in mind.”

Tech also muddies our comprehension of consent. In her courses on religion and sex, Peterson-Iyer talks with her students often about how consent today isn’t just a matter of yes or no; it’s about mutuality and understanding that comes through communication. Peterson-Iyer says people are struggling to truly connect with each other beyond an electronic interface. Healthy relationships need strong communication skills and she doesn’t see modern dating as the best environment to learn them.

“In a society that is profoundly unequal, I think that we are naive if we think that just free choice is enough,” Peterson-Iyer says. “What we really need is a much more full-bodied understanding of freedom that is where consent is bolstered or supported by a much stronger sense of self. A confident understanding that one is worthy and has desires and that it’s not just okay, but actually good to have those desires.”